I have lots and lots and lots of notes on this, so here we go...
They open from the lovely city of Boston. Well, actually, I have no idea if Boston is lovely. I've never been there. But I hear it doesn't suck much. Anyway, Michael Cole and JBL announce that Armageddon is in two days. Yeah, another Pay-Per-View that we can't afford.
So Edge interrupts whatever Michael Cole and JBL were saying. Edge. Is. SO. Hot. Like, campfire-in-Hell hot. Anyway, so he says that he wants to welcome back the General Manager of SmackDown and the love of his life *gag* Vickie Guerrero. And Teddy Long wheels her out onto the ramp in a wheelchair. I keep waiting for the inevitable mishap of her "accidentally" rolling down the ramp and ending up face-first into the steel steps or something, but Teddy Long must have remembered the brakes, because it doesn't happen.
So Hot Edge calls Vickie courageous for surviving the vicious, brutal attack by The Undertaker. They roll footage of the dead man whooping her Edge-kissing butt. After the clip, Edge is all, "That disgusts me!" Nah, the disgusting thing is when he performs a tonsillectomy on her with his tongue. I wonder if Eddie (R.I.P.) is rolling over in his grave.
Edge asks what she's feeling, and she goes, "To be honest, I'm not doing very well." She says that she's "mentally scarred" and "emotionally distraught" and that she's considering psych help. Seriously, the one who needs the psych help is Edge for being all with Vickie Guerrero instead of me. Just sayin'.
Vickie continues by saying that she returned to SmackDown to fulfill her GM duties. She reminds us that Batista, Edge and The Undertaker will be in a Triple-Threat Match at Armageddon, but she also announces that each of the men will be in matches tonight, and Edge is up first. Edge is all spazzing because he isn't prepared for a match, and he hasn't warmed up or anything. She insists and asks for Edge's entrance music. So Edge makes his way to the ring, looking all worried. As he removes his jersey, I add 'Edge
So poor unprepared Edge is in the ring and he starts smiling when Funaki's music hits. He's all happy that he's fighting a lesser opponent. The bell rings with Edge still smiling. They start fighting, and Edge smacks Funaki in the head. Over and over. So Funaki retaliates by whacking Edge in the wienie. Edge takes over the match and they cut to a shot of Vickie clapping for him from her wheelchair at the top of the ramp. Edge gets his 3-count right away, and Vickie blows him a kiss. Edge goes up the ramp and Vickie gets back on the mic and asks for applause for her man. She announces that Batista and Kane will be in a Last-Man Standing Match tonight. She also announces that The Undertaker will have to be in a handicap match against Big Daddy V and Mark Henry. She then orders Teddy to take her to her office.
--- First commercial break. I make a mental note to watch the Tribute to the Troops episode of RAW on Christmas Eve. ---
After the break, Michelle McCool comes out. They show footage from last week in which she and Chuck Palumbo lost a match and she now has to go out with Jamie Noble. Her partner Kelly Kelly comes out to join her. Next is Victoria and they show more footage from last week. Layla's music hits and the tag match starts with Michelle McCool and Victoria. There's lots of hair pulling, slapping, all that girl stuff. Michelle tags in Kelly and there's more hair pulling and slapping. Victoria tags Layla and there's more hair pulling and slapping, but Layla tags Victoria back in quickly. Kelly tags Michelle back in and Michelle pins Victoria, but Layla jumps in to break up the 3-count. Then Kenny Dykstra runs down the ramp and interferes, but Chuck Palumbo rides his motorcycle out to distract Dykstra. Victoria and Layla get the win.
We see that Rey Mysterio is next and I get all happy. It's been at least a week since I've seen a 619.
--- During this break, we have to sit through two ads for Harold Pener clothes. What's up with that? ---
After the break, Michelle McCool is talking to Chuck Palumbo backstage, and Palumbo's all cranky about her upcoming date with Jamie Noble. He punches a hole in the paper wall and storms off all frustrated.
They cut to ringside where MVP is looking good in a suit and tie, joining Michael Cole and JBL to announce the next match. Mysterio's music starts and he comes out. I love that he stops and talks to the kids in the audience who are wearing Mysterio masks! This is why Mysterio rocks my socks. Anyway, they remind us that Mysterio will face MVP at Armageddon. But tonight, he's facing Kenny Dykstra. The bell rings and I wonder what took me so long to notice Mysterio's lavender pleather pants and mask. Dykstra's doing some crap to Mysterio's arm, but my man Rey Rey gets out of the hold and whoops on Dykstra. Dykstra retaliates with more arm-wrenching, but Mysterio pulls off a 619 (I love that move!) and gets the pin.
The match was actually longer than that, but you know. It was a couple dudes fighting.
So MVP goes into the ring and the ref warns him to back off. MVP's all, "I'm here to congratulate Rey Mysterio," and he says that the match at Armageddon will be a title match for the US Championship belt. He goes to shake Mysterio's hand, but Rey refuses to shake his hand. So MVP distracts him and hits him in the head with the belt. I so totally hope Mysterio takes the belt from him this Sunday. Seriously.
Next up will be Kane and Batista in the Last-Man Standing Match.
--- What's with the dual commercials? I have to sit through two BODman fragrance ads. And I laugh because it's available at Walgreen's. The crap can't be too quality. ---
So Justin Roberts is in the ring telling us the rules of a Last-Man Standing Match. Basically, there are no rules. Whoever gets the 10-count wins.
Kane's music plays first and I totally miss the days when he wore the mask and had hair. Lots and lots of hair. I love hair.
Anyway, so then Batista's music plays and he comes out. Alienated and I call him Steroid Stan on accounta his extra set of shoulders. Ew. So he gets to the ring and there's a classic stare-down. The bell rings and Kane takes an early lead, but not for long. Batista knocks him over the top rope. They're outside the ring and Batista slams Kane's head into the ringpost. Kane kicks out of a 5-count. They go back into the ring where there are no weapons and Kane starts whoopin' on Batista. Kane jumps off the top rope, but Batista moves out of the way. There's some more fighting, and Kane choke slams Batista, but he gets to his feet at the 8-count. Batista whoops on Kane for awhile and pins him, but Kane kicks out at the 8-count. They're both on the top rope fighting, but they both go down and Kane gets up at the 8-count, Batista at the 9.
--- I hate when they have commercials in the middle of a match. But I do want to try Church's new boneless wings. ---
We get back to the match just in time to see Kane throwing Batista over the ropes. Some wrasslin' crap happens and Batista hits his feet at a 5-count. He takes over and Kane's down for a 6-count. Batista goes down for a 7, but he ends up with a steel chair shot to the head. Both men are down, but Batista gets up at 7 and Kane at 9. Batista takes over the match until Kane hits him with some steel steps. Batista is down for 8, and I'm starting to wonder if this match will ever end.
So Kane whacks Batista with a TV monitor. Batista's down and Kane is heard screaming, "Stay down!" Yeah, like that'll help. But Batista's down for 8. So Kane hits him and he's down for another 7. Then Batista gets another rush of adrenaline or something and throws Kane onto the announce table. My man Edge interferes and hits Batista. At this point, both he and Kane are down, but Batista gets up at 7 and whoops on Edge. Kane doesn't recover and Batista wins the match, but Edge hits him with a steel chair. Edge is happy and Steroid Stan is all crying like a woman.
--- There's a commercial for Armageddon. Y2J looks amazingly beautiful! ---
After the break, Edge is backstage with Vickie. She says she's proud of Edge, and Edge asks what he can do for Vickie. She says she wants two aspirin and a cup of coffee.
OK, so maybe I have something in common with Vickie Guerrero. At this point, I could also use 2 aspirin, a cup of coffee and some Edge-lovin'.
Anyway. So Edge tells Teddy Long to go get the aspirin and coffee. He tells Vickie that he loves her, she says that she loves him more, they suck face, and I puke my guts out.
Next up is the RAW Rebound. We get a ton of clips from the 15th Anniversary of RAW. I won't go into it since my lovely and talented daughter did such a fabulous job with recapping the show. (Isn't she awesome?)
And just before the break, Jesse and Festus come out. I had such high hopes for these guys when they first hit the WWE, but they just aren't working for me.
--- Again with the dual commercials! We have to sit through two ads for K&G Clothes. ---
We come back to the WWE Slam of the Week. It's some tag team crap with The Miz and John Morrison. Morrison, by the way, is hot too.
And it just so happens that The Miz and Morrison are Jesse and Festus' opponents for the next match. Convenient timing, don'tcha think? Since they were the Slam of the Week and all.
So The Miz and Morrison hit the ring and the match starts with Festus kicking The Miz's butt. But The Miz takes over and he kicks Festus' butt out of the ring. Festus goes back in and he puts The Miz on his shoulders, does a spin, and uses The Miz to kick Morrison's pretty butt off the apron. Festus throws The Miz down onto the mat and gets the pin. And it's over that fast. No Jesse. No Hot Morrison. That's the end.
EDITED TO ADD: Ohhhhhkay, I'm an idiot. The reason why there was no Jesse and no Hot Morrison is because it wasn't a tag-team match. It was a single's match. But in my defense, I never said I was an expert at this stuff; I warned y'all that I don't have a clue what I'm talking about with this. So sue me. heh
Teddy Long makes his way to the ring and says that he has an announcement. He announces the next match: Khali vs. Hornswoggle. Yeah, a fair fight, that one.
--- If I had a Wii or a PlayStation I would totally get the SmackDown vs. RAW game. But I don't. So I won't. ---
So here comes Hornswoggle, who is not much bigger than my 7-year old son and not much tougher than my 9-year old diva daughter. Khali's music hits and we see the 7-foot plus, 420-pound giant come to the ring. We get some clips from last week, but after the clips, Finlay comes out with a shillelagh. He whacks Khali with the shillelagh, but Khali's translator grabs Hornswoggle and takes the little man hostage to distract Finlay. Which works, because Finlay hits the translator and Khali pins Finlay for the win.
--- There's that BODman fragrance ad again. Twice. F' that. ---
We come back from this break to see Michelle McCool and Kelly Kelly going into the locker room, which is decorated with roses, balloons, teddy bears and whatnot. Jamie Noble joins the ladies and asks Michelle if Chuck gave her the black eye she's sporting. She says no, that it happened in Europe. Noble doesn't seem to believe her, but Kelly Squared backs Michelle's story. Then she suggests a double-date with her and Balls Mahoney. heh Both Michelle and Jamie say no f'ing way. Jamie tells Michelle that he got her a new dress and he'll be waiting for her and he leaves the locker room. Which is good, since I presume it's a girl's locker room.
They announce the final card for Armageddon. I think I got them all. Ya ready?
- Y2J vs. Randy Orton
- HHH vs. Jeff Hardy
- Kennedy vs. Shawn Michaels
- CM Punk and Kane vs. Big Daddy V and... um... Kane (OK, I obviously f'ed that one up.)
- Finlay vs. Khali
- Rey Mysterio vs. MVP
- Triple Threat Match: Edge vs. The Undertaker vs. Batista
--- There are a lot of commercial breaks! But I love that Whopper Freakout one. ---
So Big Daddy V makes it to the ring with Mark Henry following for our final match. The Undertaker slinks his dead way to the ring as well, and there's another classic stare-down. The Undertaker removes his hat and coat butt-slow. But I guess that's forgivable, what with The Undertaker's post-mortem status and all. The bell rings and The Undertaker throws a jab, but the other two start to kick some dead butt. Mark Henry is working on Taker, but Taker takes over. He moves Henry onto the apron, and Big Daddy V goes out of the ring. Taker starts whoopin' and they move back into the ring. Big Daddy V takes over and he pins Taker, but Taker kicks out just in the nick of time. Big Daddy V and Mark Henry gang up on Taker. Which is fine, seeing as how this is a handicap match. But Taker isn't having any of that, and he tries a double-chokeslam. Yeah, like that's gonna work. It doesn't, of course, and the two big dudes take a bite out of Taker. But Taker, as expected, finds some strength and delivers a chokeslam to Mark Henry for the win.
After the bell, however, Big Daddy V hits Taker, and Mark Henry joins in the fight. Taker's about dead for real when Edge enters the ring to hold him down. I am SO glad Taker didn't do Old School this time. I absolutely hate that stupid move.
And that's it. That's the end of SmackDown for the week.
Thank God, because it sucked typing all that up.
I think I need those aspirin now.
That's it from me for now. Until next time, have a groovy day!
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