15th Anniversary of Monday Night Raw

So tonight was the 15th anniversary of Monday Night Raw. Tonight is also the first night of our recaps, and obviously I am the one writing it. This is also the first recap I will ever do, so it will probably suck. I also happen to be listening to brutal metal thanks to The Almighty VoMiT, even though he just went to bed. So I may get a bit angrier as the post continues, just a warning. Now on to the show.

It starts off like any other week with a brief showing of some stuff i don't recognize and Vince McMahon saying something that I forgot, then goes to the theme song, "To Be Loved" by Papa Roach (see you didn't know that did you mom?). But tonight instead of going straight to the ring like usual, they play like a recap of former Monday Night Raw/Raw is War themes.

Vince comes to the ring with both Stephanie and Shane and they seem like one happy family. Linda is MIA but Vince tells us she is having some gastric intestinal problems and won't be able to make it. He then announces that they will be taking their family portrait. Him, Shane, and Stephanie. Let's see whose missing... Linda, but we know she can't be there, so there has to be someone else, hmmmmmmmm.

OH OF COURSE HORNSWOGGLE!!!!! The little guy comes running out when Vince announces a photographer is there to take the picture. After a joyful *coughcoughyeahright* welcome to the littlest McMahon, Vince become agitated. He snarls towards his kids and says *You're all just waiting for me to die!"

He then proceeds to look at his children and tell them he loves them. Only he leaves Hornswoggle out. Poor Horny. After seeing the look of disappointment on his face, Vince finally gives in and says "I kinda love you" which brings a smile to Horny's little face. Then Vince goes on to say that he loves each and every one of us, that he loves the fans. LIKE I CARE. Then comes the announcement that in 3 seconds the picture will be taken, with Horny in it. So the count down begins, 3...2...HHH

Out comes Triple H. He comes to the ring and says that he thinks all family should be included in the picture and that he feels "almost like I can be a son. Sup Steph?"

He then proceeds to bring out more of Vince's "family." These would be a representation of the divas he has slept with in the past. First up, the lovely Melina. To this Vince says "I did not have sex with that woman.." And HHH takes the words right out of everybody's mouth "Whatever Clinton." Next up, the ORIGINAL DIVA herself Sonny. She still looks fantastic. Upon her entering the ring, Horny begins to hug and jump all over her. The final Diva to be brought to the ring is the always wonderful and always vivacious Mae Young. She immediately begins to hump and kiss Vince, and Shane and Stephanie both have looks of disgust on their faces.

Vince, in an attempt to explain the situation, says it was at The Fabulous Moolah's funeral and he had a LOT to drink. Shane got upset and walked off. HHH then asks for all the people that Vince mistook for women and tried to "love" to come to the ring. Out come Howard Finkle, Jerry Brisco, Pat Patterson, Bastion Booger, Big Dick Johnson, and Abe Knuckleball Schwartz, I have no idea who some of these people are. Upon seeing these old creepy men, Stephanie gets angry and says that Vince has some serious problems (gee ya think?), that he has embarrassed the family too much, and that it is her turn to embarrass him. She makes out with HHH and leaves. To this HHH responds with "Alright Steph, see you at home, I MEAN your brother's a gnome!"

Vince gets upset and leaves the ring and poor Horny is all upset. And I just wanna hold him like a baby and say "AWWWW everything will be okay." Triple H has a better idea. He calls out the one man that can make Horny smile. Out comes The Godfather with his Ho Train. And Horny gets happy! Upon seeing all the hos, JR says "King, I think I see your new ex-wife up there." And I giggle. Horny is now being surrounded by The Godfather's Hos and hes happy, perfect time for a commercial.

I don't know what the commercial break is since I was getting pie for my sister.

We come back to a ladder match for the Intercontinental Championship. This means Jeff hardy is fighting. Go check my top 5 lists and you will see why this makes me one happy little girl. He is fighting Carlito, who spits on the faces of people who don't want to be cool. But what I wanna know is when did spitting on people become cool?

Now if you don't know what a ladder match is, there is not disqualification, no pinfall, no submission, you beat the crap out of each other until one person can climb the ladder and get the title. Jeff Hardy just happens to be The King of Ladder Matches, JR even said so. I am slightly more distracted by his hair, which happens to rock my socks. It is a lovely combination of green, yellow, purple, and black, which is his natural color, blond is dyed, not natural for him.

Commercial time and I am forced into wanting a Snickers bar. YUMMY

We come back to see the end of the match, and i see a bright yellow belt that is just awesome. and a Swanton Bomb. Carlito beats the crap out of him and I get sad. But then we see a the beginning of a Twist of Fate, so I get happy. But Carlito turns it into a Back Breaker, and I get sad. Carlito climbs the ladder, Jeff Hardy gets up there as well, beats the crap out of Carlito and pushes him off the ladder, he gets the belt and Jeff Hardy is STILL the Intercontinental Champion.

Commercial, and now I want that Snickers even more.

Todd Grisham was backstage talking to Shawn Michaels (HBK). Marty Jannetty came by to say hello to his former partner, and to have his match with Mr. Kennedy announced. They then show the first Raw Flashback of the night. I didn't catch what this one was called, but it had lots and lots of pain and kissing and beating the crap out of people with chairs.

Commercial break with an ad for The Simpson's Movie on DVD

We come back to see Santino Marella standing in the ring with Maria. He goes on to say something like "Blah blah blah I think I am great-a because I have a horrible Italian accent-a and someone needs to come beat the crap out of me." I may have paraphrased a bit. And out come ROB VAN DAM. Ya know, RVD! And a match begins, Santino Marella is actually winning for like a second, then he gets kicked in the face, RVD hits the Five Star Frog Splash, and the match is over. YAY RVD

Commercial break, and now not only am I craving a Snickers, but I also wanna see Halloween and Rob Zombie's director commentary, because, he's like hot and Rob Zombie.

The reunion of Evolution is announced. I immediately go "Great, like their egos weren't big enough when the first started Evolution." Well a pleasant surprise comes my way when Triple H, Ric Flair, and Batista are all very friendly and nice and hugging each other, a true AWWWWWWW moment. Then comes Randy Orton. I LOATHE this man. He goes on to say, yes more paraphrasing "Blah blah blah I am a pompous jerk." He then shows a clip of him getting the crap beat out of him by the rest of Evolution, and I smile. HHH then goes on to say "We didn't do that because you were the chapm, we did it because you were a giant pain in the @$$." And I giggle.

Then more garbage spews from Orton's mouth and next think I know, Edge is coming out for an impromptu Rated RKO reunion. More pompous drivel come out of their mouths and they end up getting in a 6 man tag team match with the teams being Team Rated RKO plus Umaga (or Youmanga as William Regal calls him) vs. Team Evolution minus Randy Orton.

Commercial break for the final episode of Law and Order Criminal Intent

Team Evolution wins, and Batista and HHH give Edge and Orton, respectively, a spine buster. Umaga is now trapped in the ring with HHH, Batista, and The Nature Boy. He recieves a low blow from Ric Flair, a spear from Batista, and finally a pedigree from HHH.

Next is another Raw Flashback, this one entitled Road Rage. The highlights of this would be the beer bath, and the Zamboni.

We then see two girls being basically tormented by little Hornswoggle. William Regal comes to their rescue, and we find out one is Molly Holly, however, I can't remember who the other is. We find out that Horny is gonna have to fight The Great Kali, Finley isn't there, and the APA (or Acolyte Protection Agency if you all forgot) won't be there to help the little guy.

Commercial break and the VCast Voyager is cooler than my mom's phone so ha

We come back to see the match between Horny and Kali. Kali is obviously dominating the match and Horny seems to have lost hope. Then out comes Hollywood Hulk Hogan. He gets Kali out of the ring, not exactly beating the crap out of him though. He then proceeds to plug his new show American Gladiator that, I won't even lie, I am so not gonna watch.

Another Flashback, this time highlighting D-Generation X. Highlight of this one, manure shower

Commercial break with Mr. T and World of Warcraft (WoW)

Another flashback this time with Mr. McMahon in the hospital. He gets a visit from Mr. Socko and a beating from Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Next up, a 15 man Battle Royal. They start to come out.

1. AL SNOW with Head of course
2. Bart Gunn
3. Doink the Clown
4. Repo Man
5. STEVE BLACKMAN
6. Pete Gas (from the Mean Street Posse)
7. Bob Backlund

Commercial break, I went to say something to my mom and missed it

This is where the order screws up a bit, people were announced during the break and i don't know what order they came out in.


8. Skinner
9. Flash Funk
10. IRS
11. Gangrel
12. SCOTTY 2 HOTTY
13. Jim Neidhart
14. SGT. SLAUGHTER
15. Gilberg

The match begins, and so do the eliminations, which I think I finally got stratghtened out.

1. Gilberg
2. Bob Backlund
3. Doink the Clown
4. Gangrel
5. Al Snow and Head
6. Pete Gas
7. Bart Gunn
8. Flash Funk
9. Steve Blackman
10. Repo Man
11. Jim Neidhart
12. Scotty 2 Hotty
13. Skinner
14. Sgt. Slaughter

That leaves IRS as the winner. However, in the match there were 2 eliminations by Head and Scotty 2 Hotty did THE WORM. So all in all a good match. But then out comes The Million Dollar Man. He gives IRS some cash, like a lot of it, and IRS eliminates himself so The Million Dollar Man is the winner.

Another Flashback, this one entitled Slap Happy.

And we see Eric Bischoff, great.

Commercial break, now I really want that Snickers

We come back to Bischoff in the ring and, more paraphrasing, he says "Wah wah, I'm a baby, blah blah I'm pompous, ooooh look at me, I think I'm better than you. I am so full of my self. Yay me."

Out comes Chris Jericho (Y2J) to save us yet again. He tells Bischoff to "PLEASE SHUT THE H3LL UP!" He also says that Bischoff always was, and always will be an @$$ clown.

Bischoff goes on to say "Blah blah blah forfeit forfeit forfeit" and Jericho beats the crap out of him.

Orton comes out, gets put in The Walls of Jericho, and the baby taps out. Jericho is still the best.

Commercial Break for something, I don't know. VoMiT was playing something good, and it was a commercial so I turned the volume up on the song and down on the tv

Now its time for a Tag Team Championship Match, Dusty Rhodes goes ringside to watch. Its Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly end up winning the titles from Cade and Murdoch and people are happy.

Falshback to celebs which include Papa Roach and Steve-O

Commercial break I am now saying GIVE ME THAT SNICKERS

Flashback to the Divas, and all I remember is hearing Jerry "The King" Lawler go "PUPPIES!!!"

Jillian Hall comes out. Fantastic. She announces she has a new Christmas album coming out tomorrow, it will be on iTunes. Remind me to avoid it. She starts to sing, my ears bleed. I listen to growling and screaming and screeching and pig noises, yet I can not stand to listen to Jillian Hall, what's that tell you?


Out comes Trish Stratus, looking great. She says that the sound was horrible backstage and she didn't know if it was just backstage or not. She also give The King a hint of her "puppies."

After being telling Trish Stratus that she has the biggest ego in the WWE, Jillian tries to get someone to agree with her, she gets Lita. Lita and Trish, not so much the best buddies. She comes out, stares down Trish and grabs the mic. Then she tells Jillian, that not only is her singing horrible, but her voice is just annoying. Lita and Trish then proceed to beat the crap out of Jillian, and they actually hug after they beat up Jillian. Yay for them

Flashback, laughter. This includes Jericho using William Regal's Tea Pot as his personal pee pot.

Commercial break, and now I want some of that 6 hour power energy shot they advertised

Some confrontation between Lita and Kane occurs with Ron Simmons watching.

Then the match is announced: Mr. Kennedy vs. ... what a waste

Commercial break and I now realize I need a Wii and the WWE game

So Kennedy's opponent is finally announced, Marty Jannetty. I don't really know much of what happened I was distracted by Marty Jannetty's awesome rainbow socks. But Kennedy wins, and HBK comes out. Then comes HHH and there is an impromptu D-Generation X reunion, and we all get to see SUCK IT!

Commercial break and I decided I don't want to play WoW it is endorsed by Mr. T and now William Shatner, not the game for me

FINALLY time to announce the Greatest Superstar in Raw History. Mr. McMahon gets the envelope and, drum roll, its... its... its... HIM big surprise.

Glass breaks, and out comes Mrs. Foley's Baby Boy, Mick Fol......... NO wait, its MANKIND!!! On his hand is, of course, Mr. Socko!!! McMahon promptly receives a Mandible Claw and Socko and Mankind go away.

It goes dark. It gets spooky. Out comes THE UNDERTAKER. dun dun dun. McMahon stands up, and gets Choke Slammed back down. It goes dark again, lights come back on, and Taker is nowhere to be seen.

More class breaking, but this time its STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. He claims that it is a pitiful site that McMahon is laying down and "sleeping" while there is a celebration going on, so he offers him a beer. He eventually stands McMahon up, gives him the beer, says congratulations, gives him a toast, starts to drink, and then delivers a Stone Cold Stunner.

JR put it best, "How could there be a Monday Night Raw celebration without a Stone Cold Stunner on the Chariman of the WWE?"

Austin goes on to say that the greatest superstar on Monday Night Raw was in fact all the fans all over the world. And thats the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so. Now time to invite all the wrestlers to come down to the ring and have a beer. Good times, good times.

Well that concludes tonights recap. No go spend time with your loved ones, or something I don't much care what you do now. But thank you for reading, I am off until a week from Friday. Groovy gets this week's Smackdown! since I covered Raw, and since I got this week's Raw, she gets next week's. Until I see you again, ummm I'm not sure what to say here, so bye.